Spike Jonze's Her Review

The story of Spike Jonze’s fourth feature film, Her, revolves around a man, Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix), who falls in love with Samantha (Scarlett Johansson). The catch of their relationship is that Samantha is trapped inside a computer – she has no body, and exists only as a sentient operating system. Jonze sets out to create a deeply compelling love story in his film, and does so quite well. The problem with Her, though, is that the compelling love story is not the one between man and machine, but rather, Theodore and his ex-wife Catherine (Rooney Mara).

            Before Theodore begins his relationship with Samantha, he has ended his relationship with Catherine. Or rather, she left him, because, in her words, “he couldn’t put up with real emotions and tried to put me on Prozac.” But before the demise of their marriage, there was true, passionate love, which Jonze shows the audience in montage form interspersed throughout the film. These montages, both cinematically and emotionally, are the most beautiful moments of the film. In a film laden with lingering, awkward close-ups, the montages instead pull back the camera and show the two caressing each other, laughing, smiling, and sometimes, even fighting. And we see the relationship end, with Catherine, tears in her eyes, sitting at the kitchen table, and Theodore looking upon her with his hands on his hips, tired and hopeless. But it’s beautiful, visible love, regardless of its end.

            But of course, this relationship was not meant to be the emotional core of Her. This distinction falls to Theodore and Samantha. And unfortunately, it happens to be the weak link in a film that surrounds it with fantastic secondary elements. Too much screen time is devoted to Theodore, sitting in his bed, or lying on a beach, simply talking to Samantha. And while Jonze’s intent of having the viewer solely focus on their relationship in these scenes is evident, he goes overboard with awkward close-ups of Joaquin Phoenix’s face. The camera hovers, and a feeling of intrusiveness sweeps through the theater, and it becomes hard to maintain focus on the screen, as Theodore speaks in a high pitched, nasally squeak that matches the awkwardness of the cinematography. The awkwardness is not derived from the fact that a man is dating his computer, but rather, that Jonze forces this relationship to be observed from an angle much too uncomfortable. Theodore is an awkward person, and Phoenix capably shows this part of his personality. But his awkwardness is not enjoyable in these scenes from the perspective of the theater seat.

            It is saddening that these close-ups and minimalistic man-computer scenes do not fully convey the beauty that the rest of the film does. Awkwardness aside, Phoenix’s performance is a passionate one, and his emotion regarding his relationships is strong. His eyes are heavy when he is sad and starry when he is happy. Amy Adams, as Amy, delivers a fantastic performance in support. Amy’s relationship with Charles (Matt Letscher) takes a toll on her, and the tiredness is visible on her face. She too begins a relationship with her operating system, and though it is platonic, Amy’s face begins to show more life as the film moves towards the conclusion. Chris Pratt, playing Theodore’s work companion Paul, is happy-go-lucky, and his lively, passionate smiles clearly show his love for both his girlfriend Tatiana (Laura Kai Chen) and the world around him.

            The soundtrack of the film is also fantastic, and matches up extremely well with the themes of love, happiness, and compassion. The preeminent indie band of the new millennium, Arcade Fire, scored the film, and their music provides a quirky, post-modern sound to the film. The soundtrack, full of slow, melodic piano rhythms, occurs mostly in the enjoyable montage portions of the film, and strengthens the passionate emotion seen on screen. The final scene, one of the most emotional in the film, would not be so without the fantastic post-rock instrumental piano piece that accompanies it.

            Jonze’s postmodern visuals, long a trademark in his films, also helps to set the mood of the film. The mis en scene is almost never symmetrical, and each of the sets is filled with low furniture and bright, aesthetically pleasing colors. Jonze also pumps a large amount of red and white into his design, whether it is in the color of clothing or in the luscious, bright lighting. These colors, symbolizing the purity and passion of love, are strong visual motifs that carry a large amount of emotional weight on their own accord.

            So while the main focus of the film is lacking, the supporting elements stand strongly enough on their own and make Her an enjoyable film. Jonze is a talented filmmaker, and even though, at some moments, the awkwardness overpowers the surrounding features of the film, the visual and audial aesthetics show a true beauty and passion. These features may not be the main element of the film, but are the definitive reason for buying a ticket to the movie.

On the Developing Jameis Winston Sexual Assault Situation

In the past couple of weeks, various outlets have begun to report on the sexual assault situation going on in Tallahassee, Florida, which centers around football player Jameis Winston, quarterback for the #2 Ranked, undefeated Seminoles of Florida State University. A relatively non-biased timeline of events was published by Grantland's Patricia Lee earlier today. At present, Jameis Winston's DNA is a match, and, as reads in the timeline, evidence may suggest Tallahassee PD Detective Scott Angulo worked to pressure the alleged victim to halt her prosecution of Winston because of his celebrity as a football player. Only now, some 11 months after the crime allegedly took place, is the investigation continuing again, with the Seminoles in line to play for a championship and Winston solidly in contention for the Heisman trophy.

It's important to mention Winston's football pedigree here - not because he's "a star football player, good student, watching his life fall apart", but because I can only write this post with my own perspective, as a college football fan. I'm in no way connected to the events that December night in Tallahassee and as such, I have no right to comment on whether or not I think Winston is guilty or not, because, believe it or not, the accused are rightfully innocent until proven guilty in this country. That does not, however, change the notion that if the timeline is correct, Florida State police probably should have laid charges on Winston months before the football season even began. Winston would have been automatically suspended indefinitely, and his pedigree, which makes up a strong portion of the stories being written about him, wouldn't even exist. Maybe I wouldn't have watched a 41-13 demolition of my Pitt Panthers because he wouldn't have even been on the team in the first place, and maybe Florida State wouldn't be #2, three games away from a surely exciting championship game against Alabama. And now, this season, pending the investigation, may have an asterisk on it because Florida State police didn't want to risk a football player getting in trouble.

But the above paragraph is exactly the troubling thing about this case. I'm thinking about the repercussions towards the Vizio National Championship game, for God sakes. And in Tallahassee, there's a girl who's well on her way to being branded a liar and a villain for targeting a football player at a very volatile time in the Seminoles season. And that's why I have to talk about football - because if Scott Angulo actually did his job instead of protecting Winston, there probably wouldn't be this miraculous season in the first place, and maybe that girl could have had her privacy and well-being protected, instead of getting the label of "season-killing pariah".

It's sad, because this is going to keep happening. Celebrities and athletes will always be protected, regardless of their state of guilt, and an attack on the quarterback is an attack on the university the way things are right now. Until we finally grow up and treat everybody equally - men and women, football players and regular students, and give each and every person in this nation the true due process of law as both accusers and defendants, nothing will change. And again, this isn't a comment or accusation insinuating that Winston is guilty, or that he isn't - but he was looked at as Jameis Winston, Florida State quarterback, instead of Jameis Winston, suspect, and that's wrong. It's sad, because I love college football - I grew up on the belief behind alma mater and the players representing the university. And it sucks that the big dollars and the promise of the NFL have turned it into a pre-professional athlete mill. Until we all stop worrying about winning and the pressure, and college football returns to those values it championed for decades upon decades, this will be but one of many more morally troubling situations that will plague the game for years to come.

On 'Gravity', The Best Film I Have Ever Seen

One of my favorite feelings in the world is the moment after a film fades to black. After giving the movie total and undisputed attention for its entirety, you sink back in your seat, take a breath, and allow the real world to come back. A decent film ends with a nod of approval and a quick move to the exit, as you talk to your movie-going companions about what you did and didn't like. A really good film might cause you to remain in your seat for some of the credits, leading to more chatter about its merit. A fantastic, truly great film leads to a more intellectual response, as the feelings stay internalized for a time until you can formulate words to say, to give the movie its credit. 

Then there's Alfonso Cuaron's Gravity. A film so mesmerizing, so exhilarating, and so emotional, that there remains nothing to say even after a night of sleep and a morning to think about it. To those reading this blog post, I apologize, because there are truly no words that could give this film its worthwhile credit. As it ended, my three friends and I had nothing to say. We searched for words, but there weren't any. There still aren't, really. To call Gravity a cinematic masterpiece is a vast understatement. Perhaps the best sentence that can encapsulate how momentous this film is is a thought from my friend Jason, who equally shared in the speechlessness until quite a while later: Simply put, films up until now are Pre-Gravity, and everything that comes after will be Post-Gravity.

Of course, hyperbole and big adjectives only go a certain distance in stating greatness. I suppose I'll start with the effects. Cuaron has always had the gift of being able to place the viewer in the environment of his films, perhaps better than any other active director. Watching Children of Men felt like being in that post-apocalyptic London. Prisoner of Azkaban had the most active viewing experience of any of the Harry Potter movies by far. And now, with Gravity, you truly do feel as if you're experiencing space. The camera never stops moving, floating and suspended in zero-gravity. I've never actually flinched at 3-D before, but I did on several occasions here. And active viewing aside - the movie is stunningly beautiful. And even the smallest of details are so exact and precise that the tears and smallest droplets of blood carry a beauty that I don't think I've ever seen on such a small scale. The beauty is one of the most terrifying elements of the film, in fact. Cuaron places us in an undeniably claustrophobic environment in the most open vastness in existence. We experience a struggle for survival in the most visually stunning openness ever seen on film. We can't discuss cinematic beauty without mentioning James Cameron's Avatar - but Gravity's beauty has an incredible realism to it. Pandora doesn't exist, but Gravity's vacuum of space has a sense of believability that one would not expect it to contain.

Another thing Avatar just didn't have was strong acting or a strong story. And in Gravity, both of these elements fully match the wondrous effects. Whereas Avatar was simply created to make us notice what was possible visually, Gravity takes these visuals, adds believability, and contains one of the most emotional journeys I have ever seen on film. Sandra Bullock gives a once-in-a-generation performance, bar none. Truly stunning work through and through. And Clooney shows up playing Clooney in the best way possible. But the bulk of the film is Bullock, and I really can't say enough about how fantastic she is. The score is also one of the most riveting I've ever experienced. It has a heightened importance in the film because of the utter silence of space surrounding it. We either hear silence, the actors, or the score, which matches the intensity and emotion in every way. 

I would say more, but there is really no point in continuing on. Gravity is a momentous achievement and a complete landmark in every sense. I return again to the immediate moment after the movie ends. In this moment, I truly felt privileged to have experienced the previous 88 minutes. I gained an appreciation for my own planet. I cannot recommend a film more, because the wonder contained in Gravity is what makes the movies so great. It truly is the best film that I have ever seen, and I can't wait to see where cinema goes from here.

Here's a Conversation that HAD to Have Happened Between Kanye West and Jay-Z in September 2009

On September 13, 2009, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. This much is certain. It is, frankly, the only objective statement that one could make regarding the incident. Many events could have led Kanye to rush the stage on live television, but the blogosphere seemed rather content to align itself with the "Kanye West is just an egotistical jackass" argument. West, in the aftermath of the incident, seemingly went into hiding, only to emerge over a year later from Hawaii with his magnum opus, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, an album within which he pondered his status as a figure of society before ultimately giving a toast to himself as the best there is. The album was so highly praised that West was able to immerse himself back into the spotlight, and people seemed willing to forget the VMA incident.

Upon hearing Yeezus, however, I am fully convinced that the VMAs was part of the plan. I can imagine it now, Kanye and Jay-Z in a VIP section of a nightclub in early Autumn 2009. Kanye is lost in thought. Suddenly he turns to Jay-Z and flashes a grin. "Okay, who's the biggest pop star right now?" he asks. 

"Probably Taylor Swift," Jay-Z replies, sipping a very expensive vodka. "Everybody loves her. She's the media's darling."

"You think she's gonna win a VMA?" 

"Probably. I'd say Best Female Video. Beyonce will win overall though, hers was one of the best videos of all time," Jay-Z says. "Of all time," he repeats.

"I'm gonna interrupt her acceptance speech. I'm gonna go up there, take the microphone, and say how Beyonce should have won. Even though we all know she'll win later in the show," Kanye says, the grin never leaving his face.

"Why would you do that? Everybody would hate you for it, and they'd think you're stupid for not realizing Beyonce still could win later in the show," Jay-Z replies, utterly confused.

"That's the point. They'll all hate me. I'll get roasted by the media. They'll all say that I'm an egotistical jackass, and an idiot too. They'll say it doesn't matter how good my music is, because I made a fool of myself at the VMAs, and they won't play any of my songs on the radio," says Kanye.

"So why do it?"

"Because then I'm gonna buy a one-way ticket to Hawaii. And I'm gonna rent a bungalow on the beach and buy out the entire recording studio for a year. And then I'm gonna fly in Kid Cudi, and Nicki Minaj, and you, and John Legend, and maybe that guy with the band who's name I don't know how to pronounce right. With the I in it," Kanye says.

"Bon Iver?" 

"That's the one. And I'm gonna make the greatest album ever, and it will be so good that Rolling Stone will make another issue of the 500 Greatest Albums of All Time list just so they can include it," he says.

Jay-Z takes another sip of vodka. It didn't make sense to him. "Why go through all that trouble at the VMAs? Why not just go to Hawaii and not make everybody hate you?" he asks. 

"The whole point is that everybody is gonna hate me and I'm gonna make an album that throws their hate right in their faces. And they'll forget they hated me, just cause the album will be that good," Kanye says.

"That's a dark twisted fantasy," Jay-Z says, shaking his head.

"And not only will I make everybody love me, but Kim Kardashian is gonna have my baby too."

"What!?" Jay-Z exclaims, "She's dating Reggie Bush!"

"I know. But she's gonna move on to a basketball player next, and marry him, and then I'm gonna steal her and she's gonna get pregnant with my baby while she's still married to him," Kanye replies.

"Are you insane!? And how long have you been planning this?" Jay-Z asks, dumbfounded.

"Don't worry about it. So yeah, she'll be pregnant, and then she'll get a divorce. And we're gonna be the biggest couple in America. But I know she's gonna get a lot more attention than me when the baby is about to come, so what I'm gonna do is go to Paris for a while and make another album there," Kanye says.

"Even if this plan does work up until this point, you wouldn't want to stay with her while she's pregnant? Isn't that, like, an abandonment of fatherly morals?" asks Jay-Z.

"Well that's part of it too. I'm Kanye West. I'm not a secondhand man to a reality show personality. And just to prove that to everybody, I'm gonna drop the album a day or two before the baby's due date."

"That's just bad business. Nobody would pay attention to the album because they've been focusing on this hypothetical baby for nine months," Jay-Z says.

"Nah. I'm gonna tweet the date of the release a month ahead of time so they know it's coming," Kanye says.

"What about advertising? You don't really think one tweet will do the job, do you?"

"Yes it will. I'm Kanye West. And then the album will drop and nobody will pay attention to the baby. And not only that, but I'm gonna sing about some other chick in all of the songs. But nobody will care, because the album will be fantastic."

"This is unbelievable. That's like, four years of a huge master plan. I don't think you can pull that off," Jay-Z says, putting on his coat to leave for the night.

"Yes I can," Kanye replies. "I'm Kanye West."

The Great Gatsby Review

Last week, I had a conversation with a friend about my expectations going into The Great Gatsby. Neither of us had seen the movie yet, but I had read the book in tenth grade English class, as has much of American youth. Scholars, teachers, and great writers have said all there is to say about the everlasting greatness and importance of F. Scott Fitzgerald's masterpiece - nothing I could add about the text would add anything new to the volumes of praise heaped upon its 192 pages. And so these were the expectations director Baz Luhrmann and executive producer Jay-Z faced as they attempted to re-tell the classic to fit the tastes of contemporary culture. Personally, I believe Luhrmann to be one of the most polarizing directors working in Hollywood today - he is loved or hated, very rarely does any critic hold and opinion of him in the middle of the two extremes. I happen to be on the "love" side of the argument - Moulin Rouge and, to a lesser extent, Romeo + Juliet (starring Leonardo DiCaprio on the brink of stardom) are two films I can always return to with great joy. Luhrmann is unapologetically avant-garde, and will throw highly stylized color and camera movements at you from start to finish. His characters are bold, nearly as colorful as the sets they stand upon. Simply put, there is no auteur quite like Luhrmann, a position he seems to relish.

And so I told my friend I would enjoy The Great Gatsby going in, because it would be a Luhrmann film, regardless of how closely he kept to the story of the book. And, plot aside, the setting of Gatsby is a perfect set-up for Luhrmann. The '20s was the most colorful, highly charged decade of the history of the United States - at the very least, in upper-class culture, which is precisely the subject matter. The story of Gatsby - what with the bootlegged alcohol, jazz music, and over-extravagant new money houses, was begging to be directed by Luhrmann from the very moment it was published.

Not only did Luhrmann show exactly how over-the-top this story really is, he ended up following the book extremely closely, with the exception of giving the narrator, Nick, a frame story for telling the story. This frame, a stay at a sanitarium in which a doctor convinces him to write, was kept decently to the side of the main action and never once got in the way of the emotions of the plot. In fact, as Nick begins to write, Luhrmann actively incorporates the words of the book with the action. Fitzgerald's prose is as much a character in the film as Nick or Tom Buchanan. Luhrmann truly makes the viewer pay attention to the text itself, understanding that there is a deep importance to the aching, blind hope of Fitzgerald himself.

This deep emotion is fully enhanced by brilliant performances by the main cast - especially DiCaprio as Gatsby and Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan. DiCaprio fully captured the iconic literary figure in a way that eluded Robert Redford some time ago, and his passion on screen was astonishingly exact to what I believed the character of Gatsby to contain. In addition, his youthful bravado shines through on screen in a way I haven't seen since Titanic - an exceptional feat considering that film came out some sixteen years ago. Mulligan, as if she hadn't already with Drive, cemented herself as one of the prime young actresses of our generation, providing Daisy with a level of sympathy I wasn't even aware was there in the first place. Joel Edgerton, as Tom Buchanan, masterfully holds his own against the powerful DiCaprio, and while I have never been a fan of Tobey Maguire, his awkwardness as an actor seemed to perfectly fit the character of Nick Carraway.

These performances are strongly assisted by the trademark color and pizzazz of Luhrmann's backdrops and camera movements - two elements that when combined, give the feel of a moving painting throughout the whole of the film. Another extremely important part of this film that must not be overlooked is the soundtrack. If there is a soundtrack with songs that more accurately fit the culture of both the characters in the film and the audience members watching them, then I would greatly enjoy hearing it. Luhrmann exclusively uses songs from the last decade or so, but each of them are stylized just enough to perfectly encapsulate the 1920s. Lana Del Rey, and her song "Young and Beautiful", in particular, is a fantastic choice to include. "Young and Beautiful", the lead single from the soundtrack, like most of Del Rey's music, is quite jazzy, yet is privileged with a fair amount of production and electronic background to make it listenable for modern day audiences. "A Little Party Never Killed Nobody", my personal favorite track, is also clearly a contemporary pop song, but is infused with elements of swing, providing a superb sound to the colorful Gatsby parties shown in the film. 

By the credits, I felt fully satisfied with the film and Luhrmann's directorial choices, and never once did I feel that there was anything pointedly wrong with it. I do understand that the style is not for everybody and thus, the 50% Rotten Tomatoes rating seems a perfect fit for its polarizing, take-me-or-leave-me boldness. The film never once felt slow, even at a length of 143 minutes. I highly recommend it for both fans of the book and movie fans in general, and I hope that DiCaprio can possibly break his Oscar curse with another legendary performance to add to the record books.

Zach Stone is Gonna Be Famous: Frank makes a Cameo in the Pantheon

On Thursday, Bo Burnham, seemingly my generation's favorite comedian, had a show premiere on MTV. I actually had no idea that Bo Burnham was up to anything - since his stand-up special Words, Words, Words, he had pretty much disappeared. However, he showed up on Reddit to do an AMA to promote his new show and, as a fan, I made sure to tune in. And so did Frank!

So we decided to have a mini e-mail discussion about it. Hope you enjoy.

Frank: I was expecting a raunchier humor before I watched the pilot episode of Zach Stone.  I was disappointed.  As a Bo Burnham fan who’s seen him live twice, I was confused about why the show wasn’t making me laugh.  During his live shows, Bo jokes about rape, religion, race, but Zach Stone is Gonna Be Famous mentioned maybe two “Bo Burnham” lines that could be considered funny.   The jokes Zach did succeed at were recycled from Bo’s live shows.  Bo throws glitter at all of his shows, makes a joke about “losing control of his stools” before he sits down at a piano, etc.  The rest of the show left a lot to be desired in terms of “Laugh out loud” moments.

It makes sense for Bo to make a show about getting famous for basically no reason because that’s how he became famous in the first place.  But it’s hard to sympathize with Zach as a character because Bo’s already famous in real life.  If the show was going for an authentic feel, they should have picked someone who wasn’t already famous.  If the show’s going for a “mocking every person trying to become famous” feel, then it’s just not funny.  And why the hell did Zach’s friends have the same boring personalities as sidekicks from Disney TV shows?  I think I actually like Alan Twitty from Even Stevens better than the characters they’ve introduced so far.  His best friend was sheepish and didn’t say more than two sentences.  His “girlfriend” has no personality whatsoever so far.  I understand that it’s the first episode, but I pictured bigger and better things for Zach’s posse from the get go.

As a character, I do like Zach Stone.  He’s a way for people who would be slighted by Bo Burnham’s music to digest the “mocking society in an offensive way” personae.   If the show wants to succeed, it needs to get raunchier.  Take the woman out of the casket and dance around with her.  Accidently grab her boobs.  Then drop her on someone in the audience.  Zach Stone isn’t “Bo Fo Sho” enough for me, but hopefully it gets better as more episodes air.

Garrett: Ok, so I get what you're saying about your missed expectations. I was reading Bo Burnham's AMA on Reddit, though, and he said that the reason he wanted to make this show was because it wasn't a fictionalized version of himself or anything like that. He didn't want to be Bo Burnham, he wanted to create an entirely new character. So the jokes he makes are supposed to be made by Zach Stone the character, who happens to be acted by Bo Burnham.

The problem, I think, is that Bo Burnham the comedian breaks through more than he may have intended. In his stand-up specials, Bo delivers his jokes in a certain way, and the delivery is the same in the show. He doesn't seem to be able to break out of his mold. I think that to be more successful he needs to really commit in one way or the other - as you said, Bo Burnham fans are disappointed because his style isn't coming through enough.

I also think there's a problem with the show being on MTV - Bo Burnham the comedian and Bo Burnham the writer are much raunchier than what's allowed on cable. MTV is one of those weird enigmas where you can show a sixteen year old using her pregnancy to get famous, but you can't use curse words or show drug use or anything like that. It's why the US version of Skins was so unbelievably bad. Jamie Brittain was the creator of the UK version, but just wasn't allowed to show the same hard-hitting content that he could in England. Bo Burnham has to work around the network that he's on and that may be a big problem for him moving along.

Frank: I watched Conan's interview with Bo Burnham and when Conan asked about Bo insulting Justin Bieber, Bo responded by saying, "Yeah I have a bit where I make fun of all the Bieber songs describing the most general girl ever, so that they apply to pretty much anyone."  Bo is mocking today's pop songs, which are creating ridiculous expectations about love for teen girls and guys.  Bo has the same mentality with Zach Stone.  He's mocking the way reality shows are by making a fake reality show and a fake character who isn't as funny as the real Bo.  Whether this is intentional or unintentional, it doesn't matter.  But  it's good in a way.  I'm glad that he's creating a satire about how incredibly hard it is to become famous unless you're really good at something.  But Bo is good at multiple things: singing, beat-boxing, playing piano and guitar, and gut-bursting comedy.  You can't pretend to be ordinary, untalented Zach Stone when Bo Burnham is a fucking genius and everyone knows it.

He needs to shine through as Bo.  He can't do that on MTV.  He needs to find an outlet that will allow him to express himself.  As for the Skins comment, I agree.  I feel like Bo needs to move to the UK and release a raunchier Zach Stone and then have it appear on Netflix so that I can actually laugh at it because right now, American Zach Stone ain't cuttin' it.

Garrett: It's also tough because Bo is clearly much more talented than everybody around him in this show. I don't know where MTV finds their supporting actors, but they're all atrocious. The entire show relies on two factors: can Bo Burnham carry the entire show on his shoulders, and can he do this while walking the censorship line? I, for one, think Bo Burnham is creative enough to make the character of Zach Stone funny. There's a social commentary in this show, as you said, about the idea of fame and what it means to people. Maybe the reason the show works is because an already-famous comedian is pretending to be one of those people we see all the time, trying to do everything they can to be famous in spite of themselves and their established relationships. Bo does seem to understand the ridiculousness of our society in that we reward fame regardless of how it's obtained, and I think his characterization of Zach is pretty on point with that.

But Bo Burnham wants to be himself too much. The already-famous, near A-List comedian who everybody knows the style of. Therein lies the issue with the show - it's not that I don't find it funny, I just think he's gonna run out of material to put on the censored MTV.

My Life in Game 7s: Documenting Memories from Six Eventful Capitals Playoff Games

As most people know, when it comes to pro sports, I really only have a true allegiance to one team. As happy as I was that the Ravens held off the 49ers to win the Super Bowl, the happiness faded quickly as I realized my dear Washington Capitals still have not come close to contending for a Stanley Cup. The team has qualified for the playoffs each year since 2008, and has experienced a ridiculous six game 7s in that time. I gain more and more gray hair with each one, and these six games are some of my most vivid memories. I can neither confirm nor deny that I sometimes jolt awake at night, shouting things like “GOD DAMN SEMIN PENALTY” or “WHERE ARE YOU OVECHKIN!?”.

Here is a list of the aforementioned Game 7s I have toiled over and my recollections of the viewing experiences I had with them. Warning – I’m going to get sad and you’re going to notice.

Game 7 #1: (6) Flyers at (3) Capitals – 2008 Eastern Conference First Round

The Build-Up: This was the Cinderella year. The Capitals, fresh off firing Head Coach Glen Hanlon, hired bombastic, freewheeling Bruce Boudreau from their minor league affiliate Hershey Bears to replace him. Boudreau installed a wide-open, highly offensive system that the team excelled with. They went on a tear down the stretch, won the Southeast Division on the final day of the regular season, and Alex Ovechkin was awarded the MVP. The Flyers were heavily favored to win the series, but the Caps stole game 1 at home with a late Ovechkin goal. The Flyers, however, won the next three games of the series with relative ease. The Caps fought their way back into it, however, and set up their first Game 7 since 1995 (who knew they’d have so many more to make up for the hiatus?).

The Game: I watched the game with my dad and my brother in our basement. Each of us was relatively confident, knowing we had the momentum going. Our mentality stayed that way until about halfway through the second period. In a wild sequence, goalie Cristobal Huet got a Caps player slammed into him by one of the Flyers, and Sami Kapanen’s empty net goal put the Flyers ahead 2-1. There should have been a crease violation on the play, but the refs had let most things go so far. I kept that in mind, believing fully that we would get a make-up call.

Ovechkin, who had seemingly disappeared since his game-winner in the series opener, tied the game with about four minutes to go in the second period. There wasn’t any scoring in the third, but going into overtime, the Verizon Center crowd seemed raucous and I felt pretty good about our chances. I turned to my dad and said, “Ovechkin scores.” He laughed and said “No, that’s not how playoff overtimes work. It’ll be a Flyer. Somebody you don’t see coming” (Gee, I wonder where I got my sports pessimism from?). As fate would have it, the Caps never got that makeup call, and Tom Poti got called for a toss-up tripping play that was completely out of whack with how the refs had been calling the game. Joffrey Lupul, who hadn’t scored all series, put in a rebound for the Flyers. I sulked, knowing my belief had surely cost the Caps their shot at winning.

Game 7 #2: (7) Rangers at (2) Capitals – 2009 Eastern Conference First Round

The Build-Up: Though we had suffered a blow against the Flyers, the Caps’ success continued throughout the next year. Ovechkin won the MVP for the second straight season and led the league in scoring with 56 goals. The match-up was favorable, against the Rangers, but the Caps got caught looking ahead to the next round and lost the first two games of the series. The Caps pulled goalie Jose Theodore for relatively untested rookie Semyon Varlamov, and after trailing 3-1, Washington mimicked the year before and tied the series, setting up a second straight game 7 at home.

The Game: I was more nervous for this game than the previous year’s, and sat stewing in my Mike Green jersey for most of the day. I didn’t have anybody to watch the game with, and really wish I had. It was a thrilling goaltender duel. Varlamov and New York’s Lundqvist pulled off miraculous save after miraculous save. The game stood at 1-1, until about five minutes to go, when veteran Sergei Fedorov rifled a wrist shot above the glove to give the Caps the lead. I began to get nervous, but the Caps controlled the game until the conclusion and marched into the second round.

Game 7 #3: (4) Penguins at (2) Capitals – 2009 Eastern Conference Semifinals

The Build-Up: Oh my God, what a series this was. The first six games were some of the best hockey I had ever seen. Game 1 featured Varlamov absolutely robbing Sidney Crosby in a 3-2 win in the tied second period with one of the best playoff saves of all time. Game 2 featured Ovechkin and Crosby both scoring hat tricks in a Caps 4-3 win, putting them ahead 2-0 in the series. But the Penguins came back in a stellar game 3, with Malkin absolutely dominating and the Pens winning in overtime. The Penguins tied the series in Game 4, and took the lead in Game 5 on an own goal off a Malkin shot in overtime. On the road, the Caps re-tied the series on a deflection in yet another overtime, setting up a third straight Game 7 at home.

The Game: And then all of the excitement died. After six games of the most intense hockey between featuring the two best players in the world (At the time. No, Ovechkin is no longer in the conversation), Game 7 was an anticlimactic massacre of epic proportions. It started well enough with a huge Ovechkin hit on Brooks Orpik, but a bit later Ovechkin was robbed on a breakaway with a fantastic glove save by Fleury and Crosby scored for the Penguins. On the ensuing faceoff, the Penguins won the draw, skated into the zone, and Craig Adams immediately scored, putting them up 2-0. The Caps lost all of their luster and wilted, losing 6-2. The Adams goal was the sign that the game was over, and as the Penguins poured in goals, I just became numb. I wasn’t sad, and the only thing I felt was disappointment that the game fell flat on its face. I deserved more, I felt. Next year’s team would surely deliver vengeance.

Game 7 #4: (8) Canadiens at (1) Capitals – 2010 Eastern Conference First Round

The Build-Up: This series haunts me. I’ve been going back and watching highlights of all of the other games, but I haven’t touched this one. The Caps were the President’s Trophy winners and the resounding best team in the league. They were unstoppable. After losing Game 1 in overtime, Montreal scored on the first two shots of Game 2, and Theodore got pulled again for Varlamov. The Caps stormed back into the game, winning 6-5 in an overtime thriller, and won games 3 and 4 by a combined 11-3. And then Habs goalie Jaroslav Halak was touched by God and transformed into a brick wall. The Caps, trying to finish off the series, managed only two goals in games 5 and 6 on NINETY-ONE shots.

The Game: I’ve told several people of my “Sporting Events that Have Caused Me to Cry” list before. I won’t get into all of it, but this game is on there. I was sure the Caps would figure out Halak. I was sure we would get to the second round and continue to steamroll the competition. I was sure that the third time would be the charm. I was sure. Until I wasn’t sure. The Canadiens scored early. It was 1-0 the whole game. The seconds ticked by. The Caps kept shooting. Halak kept saving. The Canadiens scored again. Mike Green what are you doing? Minutes seem like seconds. It’s late in the third. Tears are coming. Brooks Laich scores. 2-1. Canadiens hold on. Canadiens win. Season over.

I sat in my chair for a couple of hours. The postgame show played twice. Finally I got up, moved myself to bed, and fell asleep with the realization that it is never ‘just’ sports. It’s more than that. I got it now – I knew heartbreak.

Game 7 #5: (7) Capitals at (2) Bruins – 2012 Eastern Conference First Round

The Build-Up: After a year-long hiatus from Game 7s (horrible postseason memories notwithstanding), the Capitals returned to the playoffs as underdogs. Boudreau had been replaced by Dale Hunter as coach, and the Caps took on a defensive mentality throughout the season. The goalie was Braden Holtby, a 22-year old kid from Saskatchewan with mammoth-sized confidence. He was sublime the entire series, and the Caps clawed their way to Game 7 against the defending champs with each game being decided by a single goal.

The Game: I felt strangely at peace going into this one because we weren’t supposed to win. I didn’t think we would, but I wasn’t very nervous nonetheless. We had a new coach and a new philosophy and this time, we were the team with the best goalie in the playoffs. We seemed built to win a low-scoring Game 7. I also watched this game at Buffalo Wild Wings, and I thought a change in scenery would surely help. The Caps scored first on a Hendricks deflection and Tyler Seguin tied it in the second for the Bruins. The Caps killed a penalty in the dying minutes of regulation, and of course, the game went into overtime where Boston’s Patrice Bergeron missed an absolutely golden opportunity to win the game. After the huge penalty kill and the baffling miss by Bergeron, the hockey gods seemed to be shining on the Caps. I told myself not to show any outward hope, because the Flyers and Canadiens series had taught me to remain utterly pessimistic at all costs. Every word I said was “Bruins goal is coming.” But Joel Ward scored. And I didn’t know how to react, because it had been so long since a good memory. So I ate some more wings.

Game 7 #6: (7) Capitals at (1) Rangers –  2012 Eastern Conference Semifinals

The Build-Up: This series. It was pretty much the aforementioned hockey gods smirking and saying, “let’s painfully remind Garrett of every other heart-wrenching series he’s ever experienced, game by game, minute by minute.” The young goalie fresh off a Game 7 win in the first round, the penalties, the overtimes – it was all just a memory refresher for the past four years. I attended my very first playoff game, and as fate would have it, it was a grueling three-overtime thriller in Game 3 that ended at 1 in the morning with a Rangers win. But the real pain started in Game 5. Series tied 2-2. Capitals holding on to a 2-1 lead with time dwindling down. Joel Ward gets called for a penalty (Flyers). Brad Richards ties the game with six seconds left. The Rangers score 30 seconds into OT, but the Caps tie the series in Game 6 (Penguins).

The Game: I sat down with my friend at Buffalo Wild Wings at our lucky table. He asked me what I thought. I predicted a one goal Rangers win in overtime, seeing as that’s how the playoffs had been going so far. Whatever the outcome though, the team had exceeded expectations.

Brad Richards scored on the first shot of the game. 1-0 Rangers.

No score in the second. Oh no. Not this again.

Michael Del Zotto puts New York up 2-0 in the third. With time ticking away, Roman Hamrlik puts one through for the Caps. The entire restaurant goes crazy. I don’t move. It’s Montreal all over again. It’s the same game. Ovechkin has gone missing. He has one shot on goal all game. The Caps pull the goalie and nothing happens. Again. 2-1. Rangers.

I don’t know what this year has in store, but if I had to bet on it, I would say Caps-Rangers goes the distance. If only because that’s the way it seemingly always is. I know that with every minute of game time, my stress levels increase twofold and it’s probably not healthy. But it doesn’t matter. It never matters. The Stanley Cup Playoffs are the be-all end-all of postseason sports. One of these days, hopefully, the Capitals will prevail four series in a row and Alex Ovechkin will hoist the Cup and I’ll be there for the parade. Maybe they never will. But I’ll always come back, year after year, game after game.

Let’s go Caps.